Thursday, March 15, 2012

The God Emperor of Dune

Caesar was cool and all, but on this Ides of March I decided to celebrate an emperor who is a personal favourite of mine: Leto Atreides II, God Emperor of Dune!

You guys, Leto II is seriously epic. Sure he's fictional--science fictional no less, but that doesn't stop me from tipping my hat to one serious baller.

First off, he gets serious points for being from outer space. Who do you know has ruled anything from outer space? No one. Don't even lie! Newt Gingrich may blab about potential U.S. moon colonies in 2020, but that's peanuts compared to Leto II who ruled the entire known galaxy for over five thousand years!

Secondly, he's a horrific hybrid of a man and sandworm! His grotesque form has given him immense strength and has made him seemingly immortal, hence his god-like status.

Thirdly, his sandworm form means he's constantly ingesting the Spice, giving him oracular precognition that allows him to see thousands of years into the future!

With all these awesome attributes combined, Leto II put all of humankind onto his "Golden Path", a strategy that involved monopolizing the all-important Spice and ruling with an iron fist for thousands of years. Everyone thought he was a huge dick. In fact, he even looked like a huge, Lovecraftian, monster penis from hell. But he was totally doing humanity a big favour, you guys!

In his wisdom, Leto II knew humanity's total dependance of one single resource meant our inevitable extinction. So he made civilization go cold turkey, forcing humanity to adapt and sustain itself in new ways despite his tyrannical reign. Epic!

His enemies were powerless to defeat him. Oh how they tried! Of course, Leto II foresaw his undoing, and could perhaps have stopped it. However, once Leto II felt certain the course of humanity's progress was safely on his Golden Path, he accepted his fate and went willingly into a body of water--water, the sandworm's Achille's heel!

Still, a pearl of Leto II's being lived on in each and every sandworm created from his demise; an infinite Fuck you! to the whole species.

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